her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
