we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
