I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
