Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
