i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
