I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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