I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
