I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
