I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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