I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
