The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
