I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
