not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
