I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
