I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I still have a little drunk in my system
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.