i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila