you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
