I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
