God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
