Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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