I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
