I'm jealous of your bromance
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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