I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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