Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
