I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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