awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
why do cheetos always look like penises
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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