i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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