my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
