Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
