Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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