Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
