I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
