why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
