He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
