I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I need a beard to bite.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
