come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
