I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
