Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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