You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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