I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
