The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He passed out mid-signature
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
