i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
