No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
