Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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