remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
