You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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