I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
