You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
