The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
