I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
