I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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