Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
