My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
