I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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