my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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